October 31st 2017
I've taken a few maternity, and newborn photos this month. I'm not gonna lie to you, like I've lied to the rest of the world and say that I was "ok" or that I was "fine" doing them. There is some truth to that, I was fine physically taking the photos. I just went into "photographer mode" and went through the motions distracting myself with lighting and camera settings. It was afterward when I'd get home and had them loaded into lightroom and retouching them in photoshop... It's hard. I'm obviously SO so so very glad for my friends and these sweet mamas, but there's a piece inside of me that aches every-time I see a pregnant belly, or a newborn baby. I can't exactly put my finger on why it hurts so much... Maybe because when I see a pregnant belly it reminds me of when I were there and how I was so carefree and never in the world had I thought of what could happen in just a few weeks. I miss the carefree days, the days where I still felt Willow moving and kicking inside me, dreaming of raising her and how I could be the best mama ever. How excited I was to watch Jon love on her and be the best daddy.
It can tear you apart thinking about what life should be like. How I should have gotten newborn photos taken too with Willow and Jon at our home or a studio. We actually had them planned and paid for... Now i'm here, without a baby in my arms taking photos of other mama's with their new baby in their arm.
Just think... how would that make you feel?
I've had to do a LOT of praying, a TON of journal writing, and lots of nights spent crying in my husbands arms to even get to the point where I don't cry anymore retouching baby images. Well I say "anymore" but I could go retouch an image tomorrow and breakdown. It honestly just depends on the days. But digging deep as to WHY these things are triggers, even when the answer may seem obvious has helped a lot. And praying for strength and to have genuine love and happiness for mamas who get to raise their babies.
I've taken a few maternity, and newborn photos this month. I'm not gonna lie to you, like I've lied to the rest of the world and say that I was "ok" or that I was "fine" doing them. There is some truth to that, I was fine physically taking the photos. I just went into "photographer mode" and went through the motions distracting myself with lighting and camera settings. It was afterward when I'd get home and had them loaded into lightroom and retouching them in photoshop... It's hard. I'm obviously SO so so very glad for my friends and these sweet mamas, but there's a piece inside of me that aches every-time I see a pregnant belly, or a newborn baby. I can't exactly put my finger on why it hurts so much... Maybe because when I see a pregnant belly it reminds me of when I were there and how I was so carefree and never in the world had I thought of what could happen in just a few weeks. I miss the carefree days, the days where I still felt Willow moving and kicking inside me, dreaming of raising her and how I could be the best mama ever. How excited I was to watch Jon love on her and be the best daddy.It can tear you apart thinking about what life should be like. How I should have gotten newborn photos taken too with Willow and Jon at our home or a studio. We actually had them planned and paid for... Now i'm here, without a baby in my arms taking photos of other mama's with their new baby in their arm.
Just think... how would that make you feel?
I've had to do a LOT of praying, a TON of journal writing, and lots of nights spent crying in my husbands arms to even get to the point where I don't cry anymore retouching baby images. Well I say "anymore" but I could go retouch an image tomorrow and breakdown. It honestly just depends on the days. But digging deep as to WHY these things are triggers, even when the answer may seem obvious has helped a lot. And praying for strength and to have genuine love and happiness for mamas who get to raise their babies.
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