February 7th 2018

Today officially marks the day Willow has been away from us as long as she was with us... 9 months. And my heart hurts a lot when I think about it like that. I thought the pain would get easier to bare, but the pain never lessens, you're just forced to grow stronger in order to carry it.

Most moms in the first 9 months of their babe's life learn things like how to recognize their hungry cry, how to function on zero hours of sleep, how to clean the house with baby strapped to them in an ergo or whatever those wrap things are called. They learn what makes that little babe giggle and do it over and over again no matter how ridiculous just to hear the music of their laughter. They learn how to introduce different foods and which to avoid, peanuts and honey?? I think those are some of them.. 

But those aren't the things I've learned these last 9 months since Willow joined our family. I have a much different list.

- I've learned to rely on my savior more than I ever thought possible, and that falling to my knees needs to be my first go-to instead of trying to bear it myself and having it be a result of failing to do it on my own.

- I've learned that the scriptures teach you exactly what you need to learn, right when you need to learn it. But that you have to open them first. It's God's voice through them straight to my heart. Going a day without His council is more painful than productive even if I think folding the clothes is me using my time more wisely... Sometimes I'm really dumb like that.

- I've learned to be more compassionate toward others going through a hard time. I've learned to slap that voice in my head that says "They'll be fine, you don't need to do or say anything..." That voice is a liar. You DO need to do something. Even if it's something small.

- I've learned to "not sweat the small stuff." It's not worth my time, energy, or emotions. I have way too many emotions as it is, I don't need any more of them lol. Especially if they're being wasted on things like be offended, holding things back or not speaking your mind because you're afraid of what someone will think. 

- I've learned that serving others helps me probably a lot more than it helps them. Compartmentalizing my own pain is something our therapist suggested. He said that constantly dwelling on your own problems just isn't healthy, so to find things that are distracting and fulfilling. Service. It isn't only distracting/fulfilling but it brings me a peace that I can't even explain. I know it comes from Heaven though, and I love it. You know the feeling. Or if you don't, go write someone a note who's been having a hard time. You'll see.

- Losing Willow has helped me learn that being envious of someone else's "perfect" circumstances - or in my case that first facebook post or text of mom in the hospital holding her healthy little babe.... doesn't make my life any better. It only hurts me, and I don't need any more hurt in my life right now. Especially self-inflicted. It just isn't worth it. I feel SOOOO much more joy when I can overcome that "why me" feeling and be genuinely happy for them. This takes work, but I set my mind to always be honestly happy for anyone who gives birth to a healthy baby... And even though I still cry at most new born babe post, they are NOT tears of envy. A friend of mine said it perfectly. "Babies are just confusing to me right now." I can't even explain it. But I'm learning, and that's what matters. 

- I'v also learned to just embrace it when my heart "goes there" and I need to cry it out. Which happened pretty much all day the first 6 months or so. But lately I can go quite a bit longer, I'm getting through life a little more smoothly these days. Pain isn't something you should run from, it's a part of life and tears means you're living and feeling to your fullest. Let pain in. You WILL learn that you're stronger than you though. I promise. 

- This one should have probably been at the top right after learning to rely on my savior, but maybe I just subconsciously saved the best for last. I've learned that my husband is a freaking BOSS. I’m tearing up just thinking about how faithful he is in the path of adversity. How loving and tender he is when we talk about our daughter and what sort of mischief she’s getting into in Heaven that day. How determined he is to be successful and crush all his goals. You guys, i know I’m a cry baby but i seriously get weepy just thinking about the man he’s made himself into and continues to refine each day. I don't say "the man that he is," I say "the man that he's made himself into" because being a rock solid pillar of faith doesn't just happen. You make it happen. He sets such an incredible example for me and all those lessons I've learned ^^^ are largely because of him. He encourages me to have faith each day, not let jealousy into my heart or get worked up about something stupid. He's taught me to not get offended when other people stay dumb stuff. He tells me to take hours out of our "bug time" to serve others or work on my calling in church. We have limited time to spend together so giving up that time so I can serve others is selfless. He helps me find joy in the success of others, and has helped me see that focusing on myself isn't the way to happiness. 

I could probably write a book on all that i've learned in the past 9 months but I'll spare you, and just leave it at this. 

I am grateful. Let me clarify... I'm NOT by any means grateful Willow isn't with us right now, but I AM grateful for the lessons I've learned and will continue to learn because of what happened. I know I'll see my baby again and that time I will never have to let her go. But until then, I learn from it. That's why we're here. To learn.