June 3rd 2017

Thus far I haven't let myself "go to the dark side" as I like to call it. You know, let myself be negative or even mad about losing Willow. 

But last night was one of those nights where I knew I'd cry myself to sleep again and I just had to start writing. I wasn't like cursing God or anything, but I let myself feel emotions and wrote down thoughts even though I knew they weren't completely how I felt. It wasn't the rational Ariel writing, it was the emotional Ariel. And that's okay sometimes, it's healthy to acknowledge thoughts or ideas you have even if deep down you think they're dumb or childish. However, I also found that as I wrote, another voice kept popping into my head contradicting my negativity and shedding light onto the Heavenly side of things. It was almost like I had a positive angel on one shoulder and a negative one on the other and the positive one was fighting for me to see the light. This morning I re-read what I wrote in my emotional state, I acknowledged that I had those feelings and that it was time to turn the page. 

It reminded me of the parable of the two wolves:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

I figured life can't get anymore "rock bottom" than losing a child, so I might as well make it the foundation for the stronger version of myself to rebuild upon.